If a close friend or a child or a sibling comes to you and shares the struggles they have been experiencing, it is likely that your first response would be to want to help in some way. You might want to offer words of comfort or encouragement, help them craft a game plan for overcoming their struggle or offer them support in some other way.
But when a loved one approaches you to tell you of their battle with disordered eating, it is not uncommon for many people to become overwhelmed and flustered. You may wonder how you can help, if at all? You might not know what to say. You may not know what to do.
That’s okay — eating disorders are overwhelming mental health disorders for everyone involved. For this reason, it’s good to know exactly what you can do to help, and what you might avoid to prevent the situation from getting worse.
What to understand about eating disorders
Eating disorders are complex mental health conditions characterized by eating/purging/exercise habits that are unhealthy and often extreme. They often stem from a combination of psychological, biological (genetics) and societal factors. Common eating disorders include anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder. It is important to understand that these are not simply lifestyle choices or phases, but serious conditions that require medical and therapeutic interventions.
Loved ones should be aware of the signs and symptoms associated with eating disorders. These can include dramatic weight loss or gain, preoccupation with food, weight, and body shape, avoidance of meals, excessive exercise and the use of laxatives or other medications to control weight. Emotional and behavioral signs may include withdrawal from social activities, mood swings and an intense fear of gaining weight.
If you suspect that your loved one may be battling an eating disorder, it’s important to educate yourself about eating disorders. You might pursue online articles, books or even resources from a therapist who specializes in treating EDs. This will help you not only be able to discuss heavy topics with your loved one, but give you greater empathy and understanding towards their struggle.
What not to say to someone with an eating disorder
Supporting someone with an eating disorder requires sensitivity, empathy and informed communication. While intentions may be good, certain remarks can inadvertently harm or hinder recovery. Here are some statements to avoid when you’re talking with your struggling loved one.
1. “Just eat more/less.”
This seemingly straightforward advice oversimplifies a complex issue. Eating disorders are not simply about food intake — they are rooted in much deeper mental, psychological and emotional factors. Telling someone to “just eat” dismisses these underlying struggles and reinforces feelings of guilt and inadequacy they may be feeling.
Instead, focus on listening and offering support without imposing simplistic solutions.
2. “You look healthy” or “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”
Comments about appearance, even if well-intentioned, can be triggering for those with eating disorders. These disorders do not always manifest in visible ways, and people of any size can be affected. Such statements can invalidate a person’s experience and discourage them from seeking help. It is crucial to remember that health is not solely determined by appearance.
3. “It’s just a phase.”
Minimizing the seriousness of an eating disorder by calling it “a phase” can be damaging. Eating disorders are not fleeting phases; they are significant mental health issues that require professional intervention and support. Instead of dismissing your loved one’s experience, acknowledge their struggle and offer help getting them professional support if needed.
4. “I wish I had your willpower.”
This comment romanticizes the disorder and can reinforce unhealthy behaviors. Eating disorders are not about willpower — they are the outward manifestation of an unhealthy relationship with food, one’s body and/or exercise. Admiring or envying someone’s condition can make them feel misunderstood and isolated. Instead, focus on supporting their journey to recovery and praise their dedication to that instead.
5. “You’re being selfish.”
Eating disorders are not a choice, and they are certainly not acts of selfishness. People with eating disorders often battle intense feelings of self-loathing and guilt and accusing them of selfishness can make these feelings much worse and slow their recovery. Work to show empathy and understanding instead of judgment.
6. “But you eat so much!” or “You never eat.”
Comments about eating habits can be particularly harmful, as they can trigger anxiety and reinforce the individual’s preoccupation with food and eating behaviors. Even if these observations are meant to be neutral or factual, they can be interpreted as criticism or scrutiny.
It’s crucial to avoid making comments that could increase the internal struggle your loved one is having. Instead, offer a safe space for open dialogue where they can express their feelings without fear of judgment.
7. “Other people have it worse.”
Comparisons, whether intended to provide perspective or encourage gratitude, can invalidate someone’s personal experience and make them feel ashamed for struggling. Eating disorders are deeply personal battles, and each individual’s experience is unique. Instead of comparing, acknowledge their pain and encourage them to seek the help they need.
8. “Can’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?”
This type of remark can be perceived as blame, which can worsen the shame and guilt your loved one is already dealing with. Individuals with eating disorders are often aware of the impact their condition has on their bodies and lives, but this awareness does not make it easier to change behaviors. Instead of assigning blame try to focus on expressing care and concern.
Offering support
While it can be challenging to see your loved one struggling with an eating disorder, you can support them by educating yourself, practicing empathy, offering to help find treatment options and having an open conversation with them about what they may need or how they feel best supported by you.
