Life is busy — and as much as we wish we did, many of us don’t even have the time in the morning to make our beds before running out the door for work or school.
As a parent, it can quickly get old seeing your teen’s messy bedroom and feeling like it’s a losing battle asking them to pick up after themselves. Believe it or not, even the internet knows this to be true, with viral memes like “Me looking for the barbecue in my bedroom when my mom tells me to pick up my room for the neighbors who are coming over to grill hot dogs.”
But when does it move beyond just teenage angst? When, as a parent, is it normal to feel concerned that your child might be struggling with more than just picking the clothes up off their floor?
Is this messy room a sign?
Most teenagers don’t keep their rooms spotless. This can be due to laziness, being preoccupied with school or extracurriculars or simply not seeing the mess as an issue. If your teen’s room is messy and yet they are otherwise functioning well — i.e. keeping up with schoolwork, maintaining friendships and showing a generally positive mood — it’s likely a normal part of growing up.
In this case, a messy room is simply a teenager being a teenager. You might encourage them to generally straighten up, set some basic rules about cleanliness, but also give them some autonomy to manage their own space.
However, sometimes a messy room can be an indicator of deeper issues. If the state of your teenager’s room is a part of a larger pattern of concerning behavior, it might be time to look a little closer.
Signs a mental health challenge may be what your teen is facing can include:
- A sudden change — If your teenager was previously tidy and starts neglecting their room alongside other daily activities, it could indicate a problem;
- Emotional changes — Look out for signs of distress, such as persistent sadness, anxiety, irritability or mood swings;
- Isolating — If your teen is spending a lot of time alone in their messy room and is withdrawing from family and friends, this can be concerning;
- Decline in functioning — Notice if your teen’s grades, performance in extracurricular activities or interest in friendships starts dropping;
- Personal neglect — If they are also ignoring personal hygiene, not just their room, this can be a red flag.
In these situations, it’s important to approach your teenager with care and concern. Start an open and non-judgmental conversation to see if they are willing to discuss what might be troubling them. It’s crucial to listen and validate their feelings rather than immediately jumping to conclusions or criticism.
If you are worried, consulting a mental health professional can provide guidance. They can help determine if your teen might benefit from additional support and offer strategies to improve their wellbeing.
How should I approach my teen about their room – or their mental state?
Starting a conversation with a teen about depression and self-care can feel daunting, but it’s an important step in supporting their mental health. Here’s a simple guide to help you approach this sensitive topic:
1. Create a safe environment –– Make sure you’re in a comfortable, private space where your teen feels safe to express themselves. Avoid starting the conversation when emotions are running high or during a stressful time, as this can lead to greater tension and less positive outcomes.
2. Be vulnerable, yet honest –– Start the conversation with honesty. You might say, “I’ve noticed you seem a bit down lately, and I care about how you’re feeling,” or “I’ve been learning more about mental health and want to talk to you about it.” See if they show any interest in continuing the discussion, or are resistant. Their response can indicate where they are at mentally.
3. Listen to their answers –– Encourage your teen to share their feelings. Ask open-ended questions like, “How have you been feeling lately?” or “Is there anything on your mind you’d like to talk about?” Be sure to listen actively and show empathy by nodding or summarizing what they’ve said. Don’t force them into talking, but intently listen to what they do share.
4. Share what you’ve learned –– Explain what depression is in an age-appropriate way, letting them know that depression is not their fault. “It’s not a personal failing. And it’s more common than most people think.”
5. Share the hope of self care and seeking help –– Talk about self-care as a means of maintaining mental health. You can discuss activities they enjoy or new ones they might want to try, like exercise, hobbies or relaxation techniques to help regulate their moods and emotions. Additionally, emphasize that it’s okay to ask for help, ensuring them that counselors are there for when everything becomes a little too overwhelming to handle on their own.
7. Let them know you’re there for them –– Share with them that you are here to support them in whatever way they need, either by having conversations and check-ins, helping them organize their personal life and bedroom, or simply helping them find beneficial distractions during hard days.
Remember, it’s okay if the conversation doesn’t go perfectly the first time. The important thing is to show your teen that you care, you’re there for them, and you’re willing to help them find the support they need.
Need support for yourself or your teen?
Navigating teen mental health is hard no matter what. But with a compassionate treatment team and expert care, recovery and stable mental health is possible. To get in touch with a counselor, call Seeds of Hope at (610) 679-8262 or fill out an online contact form today.
